Funny Dylan Moran quotes

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.

The careers teacher told me I had a clear choice: if I didn't end up going to university I'd end up robbing post offices.

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.

People walk past me in the street and look at me, but because they think I work in their office and they can't remember my name.

Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop

I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

You exaggerate your own reactions.

You look like a horse in a man costume

Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.

Don’t clap I’m not a jazz band for Christ’s sake.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.

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