Funny Doug Benson quotes

She puts the "bra" in abracadabra.

What a fergalicious day were having!

Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius. I've been using money.

Oprah didn't just bring herself, she brought her celebrity friends, because when Oprah says, "Jump," they say, "Which couch?"

Thats great applaude to another man having sex with my girlfriend.

I just broke up with my girl friend, i caught her lying....under another man.

I was hoping Star Jones and Rosie O'Donnell sat next to each other on the View. Cause then maybe they'd get into a fight... to the death... or worse.

I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I’ve only had sex in months that end in “arch”... in years that have an Olympics.

I was on the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”

People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won’t count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by a car.

I'm sitting, waiting to get on the freeway, and I'm waiting my ass off. I look over at the side of the road, and there's a hitchhiker with a sign and it says, 'Pick me up, and you can drive in the carpool lane.' I got to tell you, he was kind of smelly, but he was a good conversationalist.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head.

I like to go see a ball game. I'll have seven, eight, nine -- 10 beers, and the second inning will roll around, and I gotta go.

[Friends Who LOL] I immediately fire back to them; I write 'sysph.' And they write back and go, 'What does sysph mean?' And I write back, 'Shut your stinking pie hole.'

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