Funny Dave Chappelle quotes

"Hey, baby! Stop selling weed, all right, you've got your whole life ahead of you." He goes, "Fuck you, nigga. I got kids to feed!"

All I'll say about Elian is thank God he's Cuban. 'Cause if he was Haitian you'd've never heard about his ass. If Elian Gonzales was Elian Mumumbo from Haiti, they would've pushed that little rubber tube right back in the water. "Sorry little fella, all full. Good luck!"

They got a character on there named Oscar, they treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar you are so mean! Isn't he kids?", "Yeah Oscar! Your a grouch!", its like "BITCH! I LIVE IN A FUCKING TRASHCAN!"

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

Wow. ... That's a good question. ... Is `I don't know' an acceptable answer?

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.

The language you are about to hear... is disturbing.

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.

I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed

I'm not smoking crack. I'm definitely stressed out.