Funny Craig Ferguson quotes

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."

The legendary Dick Van Dyke on the show tonight. The actor not the pubic beard style. Although... maybe it's time for something new.

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

“If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'”

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

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