Funny Christopher Titus quotes

Then you women created a word: "Manscape." And we shaved ourselves bald like nine year-old boys. 'Cause we wanted to sleep with you.

Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!

If you’re a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.

Normal people terrify me, because they haven’t had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a disfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you’ve driven a drunken father to moms’ parole hearing, what else is there?

Diabetes is a sugar imbalance. You are an estrogen molotov cocktail.

Jealousy - the Auschwitz of emotions.

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