Funny Chelsea Handler quotes

Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one…and I enjoyed being her.

Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn’t mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe.

People are always like, “Oh, she’s such a bitch.” I’m like, “Yeah, I am a bitch, actually.”

You just be honest about who you are, and if you don’t end up with any friends then good for you.

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me — at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it’s Tuesday I’ll make an exception.

If your name is ‘Christina’ and you spell it ‘Xtina’, there’s a 99% chance you’ve given your stepdad a blowjob.

First of all, i’m not an actor - I’m an asshole.

You should never be mean to other girls. I don’t care what grade you’re in. Be nice to people until you’re my age… and you have your own TV show.

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

Kristen Stewart always looks like she’s posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.