Funny Charles 'Chic' Murray quotes

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling… the rest I spend foolishly.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn’t even have attempted it.

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn’t hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.

My girlfriend’s a redhead; No hair, just a red head.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

We’ve got stained glass windows in our house; it’s those damned pigeons.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

I won’t say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

She’s a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

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