Funny Charles 'Chic' Murray quotes

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. “What do you want?”, she asked. “I want to stay here”, I replied. “Well, stay there then”, she said and closed the window.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

If something’s neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

If it weren’t for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.

It was raining cats and dogs, and I fell in a poodle.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches – two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

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