Funny Brian Regan quotes

My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field, cause I stunk.

Coach: "Are you any good?" Young Brian:"I dunno, my mom sent me..." "Well, go to right field." "Oh, okay." "Turn around, you moron!" "Oh, okay" (Turns around all the way) "Not the whole way!" "Oh, just some?"

"How many outs Brian?" "GRAPE! I'm gonna get grape, or cherry. They're both... favorites, so either one is good, but if they have both, I'll get grape, because grape is a little more favorite. But if they don't have grape it's like alright its fine, cause cherry's favorite anyway. It's like another favorite, but not as much. Not as much favorite. But they're both good. They're both good." The second baseman was always tryin' to help me out. "Hey, Brian move that way a little." "Okay." I don't know what gave him the authority to tell me that. "Oh, here? Oh, right here? Oh, over there, okay. This is where I was!" I remember he'd always tell me. "Two away, Brian! Two away!" "Uhhh..okay. "Brian! Two away!" "You too!"

I saw this sign posted once, it said, 'blasting zone ahead'. Wow... shouldn't that read: 'Road Closed'? What do you mean there's a blasting zone, what am I supposed to do, 'Hey-- ah, you might wanna buckle up, blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're-- (Pow!)-- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)-- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one--we lost Billy?

I heard on the news once, and my uncle does this. The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow, where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't grow corn. Get up at the crank of noon, make sure there's no corn growin'. You know we used to not grow tomatoes, but there's more money in not growin' corn."

I played softball recently. They call it softball, makes it sound like it's harmless, you know. You ever take a line shot to the face with a softball? You don't go "Hey, that's Downy Soft. That was like a big ball of cotton! Hey, don't worry about that! That's Blood Light! We're playing softball, we're all going to float around like angels!"

I met this woman, I could've sworn she was pregnant, let me tell ya'. I believe the rule is, don't guess at that ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever. Something like that. I don't have enough evers memorized. I said, "Hey, when's that BABY due?" You ever feel a word comin' out but it's too late to stop it? "When's that BABY due? BABY!" "What baby?" "Uhhh...at the zoo, the pandas. I knew they were havin' one just thought maybe we could talk about it, if you want." Have you ever guessed someone's gender wrong? There's no recovering from that. You just gotta move on, 'cause you ain't wigglin' out of anything. "Hey, uh, excuse me, Sir?" "MA'AM" "Okay. K bye! Bye, human. Bye, person. Nice to meet you, individual!"

“I never learn. Like a waitress will bring my meal. “Hey, enjoy your meal.” “You, too. But you don’t have one, do ya? I’m a dufus. If you do eat enjoy it when you eat it if you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity.” That’s all I’m trying to say.”

So I called back, "Ya, I have ten boxes and... no I'm another guy. Ya and they all weigh exactly 22 pounds, and they all have a girth of... three." "Three what?" "Three... girth units.

So, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH!!!!

Would you like a nice cold fish head? They're frozen solid: frozen head of fish, the eyeballs in there and the skeleton's coming out. It comes with a turnip and a spork." "I was wishing you had one of them left; wishing upon a star.

You know when you say something but you want to change in the middle? Like one time I was a bout to say take care but changed in the middle to good luck so it sounded like TAKE LUCK.. If you have any luck take care of it. Take luck you now. SHUT UP!

Brian, relax, man. You’ve gotta relax when you make the crank calls.

So when you do board, the first class people, they're sitting there. A lot of them are working as your boarding. They have computers out and calculators. They're looking up at you like, "Hey, we're making money right now! Right now we're making money.