Funny Bob Monkhouse quotes

What do gardeners do when they retire?

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

It got up to 94 degrees today - that's pretty good at my age.

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

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