Funny Billy Connolly quotes

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!

A fart is just your arse applauding.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.

Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring.

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.

When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.