Funny Bill Hicks quotes

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say, "Yeah? When?"

You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well...we looked at the receipts."

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions

I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul

I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

I'm sorry if any of you are catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're catholic

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.

I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" Nothing. "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.