Funny Bill Cosby quotes

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

Now, this is the fun part about getting stoned. They get stoned, then they become paranoid. Now, when they started out, they said, "Let's get high and have fun." So they're high; now they're paranoid. "Am I falling out of this chair?"

A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.