Funny Bill Bailey quotes

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life..."

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say "work", you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all...

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

This shed does not contain me.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

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