Funny Bill Bailey quotes

I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game.

I'm English, and as such, I crave disappointment.

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

hy do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'

On the Taliban: That ethos was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs. The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the subjugation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humor from it would be exploitative.

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

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