Funny Adam Ferrara quotes

I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

I don't think it's fair -- you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. 'Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it.'

My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam -- uh, don't kiss guys.'

I love that magazine, man -- Victoria's Secret -- and it comes, like, every three hours.

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents -- 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years -- what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'

That's the perfect microcosm for men and women: it takes a million sperm to find one egg 'cause they're all males and not one of them is gonna pull over and ask directions.

We're all products of our parents: all your mother's traits are in the egg and all your father's traits are in the sperm. And if I know my parents, that sperm and egg had a fight.

The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.

Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.

Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man -- the hooker gave the money back.'

Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.

I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift.

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you -- I hope she meets somebody nice.

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.

I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, 'Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!' Pop opens one eye, he's like, 'Is the boogie man bigger than me?' 'Well, no Daddy, he's not.' 'Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me.'