Funny Adam Carolla quotes

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

I understand porno and I understand getting high, but getting scared? What the fucks's in it for you?

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

Your boyfriend worked your vagina like Rocky worked that side of beef for 45 minutes. A little blood is well within reason.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

I would like one day to not only pop a hymen but actually pull the plastic off the vagina, unwrap the vagina.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

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