Comedian Yakov Smirnoff

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

In America you can always find a party. In Russia the party always finds you.