Comedian Ted Alexandro

Top 5 quotes

I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies -- and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking. I just gotta bring the heat.

Illegal downloading seems pretty big these days. That's gotta stop. It's a problem, 'cause when you download, let's say, a P. Diddy song, you're not only stealing from him, you're also stealing from whoever he stole it from in the first place.

Girls dress sexy, right? Even sweat pants now -- kind of tight, got the writing on the ass, little messages. Who knows what it's gonna say? It's like a little fortune cookie right on your ass: 'Sexy. Baby Doll. Juicy. Look at my ass.' I'm like, 'Excellent. I've been meaning to read more.' I'm tearing through five, six asses a day. Sometimes, I just read half and stick a bookmark in it.

Halloween seems to be getting bigger every year. I noticed a pattern this year with girls' costumes. Girls will take a typically altruistic career -- such as librarian, nurse, maybe nun -- and turn her into a whore.

I belong to a gym now. Well, let me rephrase that: I don't belong there at all, but I go.

Ted Alexandro quotes

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