Comedian Sarah Silverman

People who call themselves divas...you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.

[on anal sex] He's, like, trying to sell me on it being "natural". I'm like, "Um, first of all - doody comes out of there, ok? And second of all - fucking doody comes out of there." I don't need two reasons when doody's involved.

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.

I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?