Comedian Rodney Carrington

How many you boys ever been drunk, went home with a fat girl?. Some of you out there are going, “Shut up! She’s sitting right next to me!”

If your wife says to you, "We need to talk," horse sh!t. Start a fire in your house, it's easier to deal with. Cause when your wife says to you, "We need to talk" it does not mean we need to talk, it means you need to sit there and listen while I tell you all the ways you've been fuc*in' up! That's what that means. You ain't never gonna hear a man say, "We need to talk,"...Unless...He caught a disease while he was out fishing...

I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.

They always say before you get married, take a good look at your wife's mother, because that's what she's going to look like and act like. And if that's the case, [singing] I'm fuuuuuuucked! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la I'm fucked.

[referring to his mother-in-law's maxi-pads which he claims are as thick as travel pillows.] I told her, "If you have this much flow, you don't need a pad, you need stitches."