Comedian Robin Williams

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer...

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?" And I said, "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?"