Comedian Robert Schimmel

I sit down with my daughter and I said, "Do you know how babies get here?" And she said, "Well, the lady has an egg inside of her, and the man has sperm inside of him, and the sperm meets the egg, and that's how the lady gets pregnant." And I said, "Do you know how the sperm meets the egg?" She said, "Does the man pee on the woman?" I said, "Sometimes, but that's $35 extra."

I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.

My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.

I asked my wife to try anal sex. She said, "Sure. You first."