Comedian Milton Jones

I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

"Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family."

"A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!"

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…retired mermaids.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.