Comedian Mark Watson

Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.

I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought: It’s not impossible if he’s already done it twice.

[Worst Thing to Hear Over a Tannoy System] Ladies and gentlemen, we all know there will be a bomb on the Tube… but will it be today?

I had sex in a bottle bank once because I care about the planet.

It’s hard to believe that if there is a God, he would want people to stand in the street and shout like maniacs. I think He would choose better qualified people.