Comedian Lee Mack

What do you call a blonde with brains. A labrador.

“My wife, shes carrying our first child…he’s 8, the lazy little fucker!”

“I’m in a relationship at the moment…sorry girls…it’s going to have to be your place.”

Two blind fellows walk into a wall.

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!