Comedian Jeff Foxworthy

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

I have two daughters. I live next door to my brother, who has three daughters, so almost every day, I have to drive them to school. And last year, while I was driving them to school, we ran out of gas in the carpool lane because my wife does not realize it's actually legal for women to purchase gasoline, so... But we run out of gas and people are honking the horn and having to back up and go around and the kids are mortified. So the next morning, when I took them, I made sure that tank was as full as it could possibly be, and I pull up to the front of the school, and they have these assistant teachers that help open the door. And I'm not even trying to be funny. I roll down the passenger window and yell out, "I've got gas this morning!"

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.