Comedian Garrison Keillor

Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

Life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.