Comedian Dane Cook

Dude, smell my eyes!

And you know that family, every few months, for years, from time to time, whatever it is they're doing they would just stop, stop and look at each other and go... what the fuck did they take?

I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

[talking about movie dates and how guys can never find their seats] So it's dark and the movie already started. And that first part of the movie is always some fucking cave scene and you're just like, "Can they just flashback to a beach scene for like ten god damn seconds?"