Comedian Christopher Titus

Mad cow disease, monkey pox, bird flu, mosquito viruses — did the animal kingdom have a meeting? "Who here is tired of being food and clothing? … Cows, get on it... MOO!"

I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.

It's been five years, we still can't catch Osama bin Laden, but we've nailed Martha Stewart and Barry Bonds' ass to the wall. The world's worst terrorist is still dragging his dialysis machine through a Pakistani strip mall right now, but the doily broad and the slugger prick won't bother us again.

And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.

If you are in here tonight and you have never contemplated suicide…you've never truly been in love. If you're in here tonight and you have never contemplated murder…you've never been divorced.