Comedian Chelsea Handler
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I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she’s posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.