Comedian Chelsea Handler

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Kristen Stewart always looks like she’s posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

People are always like, “Oh, she’s such a bitch.” I’m like, “Yeah, I am a bitch, actually.”

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.