Comedian Buddy Hackett

I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

A guy goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he needs a pet for his mother. The guy says that Mom lives alone and could really use some company. Pet shop guy says, "I have just what she needs. A parrot that can speak in 5 languages. She'll have a lot of fun with that bird." The guy says he'll take the parrot and makes arrangement to have the bird delivered to his Mom. A few days pass and the man calls his mother. "Well Mom, how did you like that bird I sent?" She says, "Oh son, he was delicious!" Aghast, the guys says, "Mom, you ate that bird? Why, he could speak 5 languages!" Mom says, "well, he shoulda said something."