Comedian Bob Monkhouse

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.