Comedian Bo Burnham

My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a f*ckin' bitch all the time.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

Dick's and vagina's are like Coke and Pepsi, I strongly prefer one but my dad thinks they both taste the same.

What's a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.