Comedian Billy Connolly

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.