Comedian Bernard Manning

'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quiet - 'Very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.

Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’

Man says to his wife: ‘Pack your bags, I’ve won the pools.’ She says: ‘What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?’ He says: ‘We’re going nowhere. Just pack your bags and fuck off.’