Comedian Benny Hill

Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.

I thought I couldn’t afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: “Oh well,” and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.

I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

That’s what show business is, sincere insincerity.