Comedian Artie Lange

When I was a kid, I was into The New York Jets. And then I got into girls as I got older, and then I got back into the Jets because I'd realized there's times when the girl won't f*^k you, but the Jets will always f*^k you.

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

Crystal meth's a good drug if you need to walk to St. Louis one weekend.

I'm 30 sit-ups away from the body of a young Mark Hamill.

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.