Comedian Andy Rooney

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books; how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.