Comedian Adam Carolla

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.