Best short quotes

I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

I dont like letting my freinds drive drunk, but i was smokin' a joint i really couldn't say shit to the guy.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.'

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.

I had a long sleep, fuck it I deserve a nap.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.