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Ain't noone ever overdosed on weed. You might think that nigga is dead, but he ain't dead. He's gonna wake up in half an hour, and eat eve-erything.
[during a bit about dogs] That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say, "Yeah? When?"
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
I'm actually pretty athletic. I have to work out just to look fat.
I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"
What is stand-up comedy?
Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.
It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.
In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.
