Best short quotes

I stopped and I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?” So I didn’t exist.

Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".

Sir one more comment like that and I will strangle you with my microphone wire!

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car. "Get out of the car, get out of the fucking car! You stole this car!" I was like 'damn, maybe I did!'.

There's a shift of sarcasm in the way I say everything.

Your head is as empty as a hermit's address book.

I'll tell ya, in New York City, where I've lived far too long, 'fuck' isn't even a word, it's a comma.

Ain't nothin worse then a smart dumb nigga.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.