Best short quotes

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good -- stop.'

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!!!!

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.