Best short quotes

Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.

Old is always fifteen years from now.

Jimmy - How olds your boyfriend? Guy in Audence - He's my brother. Jimmy - Well stop fucking him!

Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

People don’t realize that the future is just now, but later.

Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?"

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Kristen Stewart always looks like she’s posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

Every group of brothers should have at least one white guy in it. Im serious for safety, cuz when the shit goes down someone is gonna need to talk to the police.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.