Best short quotes

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

I’m a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

"It's a wonderful day when white people black people and Hispanics all come together, to pick on another minority"

My father walked to school 4 o'clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.