Best short quotes

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.