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Make sure you don't smoke weed with dumb niggas because weed will make you smart. Aint nothin worse than a smart dumb nigga.
My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.' [Ladies, that's not true]
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
I hate dates. I sit at home all day, and I don't fart once. I go on a date and I've got twenty in the bank straight away.
I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
What is stand-up comedy?
Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.
It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.
In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.
