Best short quotes

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

Weed was put on ths earth for niggers on the struggle & its got a chemical called fuck it.

First I asked her what time it is, right? Tomorrow I get to ask her the date, the day after that she's all over me. That's how it works, you play it slow.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music...

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type "lol". I type "lqtm": "laugh quietly to myself". It's more honest.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.