Best short quotes

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I got a safe full of cherries ‘cause I pop it and lock it.

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you're tired and most of your balls are missing.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Like most Catholic boys, I wanted to be Jesus Christ. I could never get the turn-the-other-cheek thing down, though.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.