Best short quotes

My wife is impossible. It is only safe to wake her from a distance, like Portugal.

I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face.

I had a long sleep, fuck it I deserve a nap.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed'

If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

What a nice night for an evening.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.