Best short quotes

Its too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin’ around here.

There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her -- because the kid can tell.

Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. I light some candles. Then I try to shoot them out when I'm done. Never invite me to a birthday party.

As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

You can’t argue with a good blowjob.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

Yeah how bad can it be? Some people have it worse than me I could be a child prostitute Or Gary Glitter’s family

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time".

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.